abby vanduker, 20, oklahoma

twitter | facebook | ask

invisible children
charity: water
liberty in north korea

• i’m uncertain if i’m stressing more about basketball tickets or final exams
• my body has apparently figured out it’s winter time and, in turn, i want to eat everything.
• …fire department family dinner tonight
• le langue français ferait ma tête explose si je continue mes études pour pas plus de temps.
• after wednesday, i will have officially survived another semester
• hoping i really do enjoy poli sci classes next semester, if not it’s back to the drawing board
• …is there a major and career field for listening to music, speaking french, watching basketball, running, and drinking coffee? 
• i have severe wanderlust every day these days.
• chris’ grandfather told me happy birthday, and it’s made me so…warm. blessed.
• so many people i love will be here within a month, and thinking about that makes me want to bounce off all of the walls
• i am trying to remember to not let sickness own me, but to own it
• i think i’m going to go cook waffles
• everything and nothing.

already almost sick i’m so stressed out about this next semester. well over two of my paychecks worth of books to buy, can only miss two hours in one of my classes, only two periods in another…and it is the middle of winter and i get miserably sick a lot more than that. ugh.

whine whine whine.

I’m sitting here in the library yet to open my book or booklet to study for tomorrow’s exam. I’m sitting here and realising, with every passing minute, that I don’t even begin to belong here now. Sure, this is the plan everyone follows, you graduate high school, you go to college, get out on your own, pay bills, drink too much, sleep too little…

I’m sitting here and feeling, with every passing minute, even more suffocated by this. Not this sickness that’s left me feeling awful the last I don’t even know how long, but this world that surrounds me. I want out. I don’t know what to do with myself in a way much more than simply being unsure, it’s as if I don’t know enough of myself to have any idea. 

So this is my promise to myself that I’m going to get through this semester for now to finish what I’ve started; as soon as I’m done cramming for this pointless exam I’m starting back up with filling out every single application for anything within reason that will get me out of here for a while.

xx.

I just ran over three miles, no walking, without anything bothering me excluding my throat drying up and calves getting a little tight- which is nothing.

I am so happy with myself right now…and am more than ready to go run another three. I am, undoubtedly, already addicted.

Time for intense study session in the library; I’m already ready for tomorrow to be over with.

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

Squeaking swings and tall grass. The longest shadows ever cast. The water’s warm, and children swim. and we frolicked about in our summer skin.

Summer Skin by Death Cab for Cutie

Twenty-eight hours. TWENTY-FUCKING-EIGHT HOURS AND THIS SEMESTER IS OVER.
Twenty-eight hours, ten or eleven of which will consist of studying, about four of which will consist of taking two finals, and maybe five or six of sleeping- stand between me and the only season of four that holds me just where I like to be.

Late, late nights spent at the pool with my lovely co-workers, spontaneous road-trips, having slightly more than five dollars in my wallet at any given moment, summer hair, soccer, fresh strawberries, bare feet, awful tan-lines, new homes, novels, minimal clothing, and staying single for once- it’s all so close.

So, keeping all of this in heart and mind, I’m off to study for hour after hour after hour.
It will all be worth it. It will.
and hell, you and I, we’re so very, very blessed to have access to such an excellent education (even if it leaves us with vicious headaches, sleepless, and constantly stressed beyond belief).

Day 27: 27/1/10

How I spent my evening: studying and whipping out homework with the best friend until nearly 3 AM just for classes to be cancelled the next day, the day after that, and now Monday. Reverse psychology, kids. Make mother nature think you’re ready for and want to go to class, she’ll make sure the weather doesn’t permit you to.

I dyed my hair back ridiculously dark again at one in the morning. Looooove it.

One of my professors for a class that starts tomorrow just emailed us our syllabus.
To put it simply…I’m now out of his class.

• At the beginning of each class meeting, the instructor will call on one student, chosen at random, who will be asked a question and will respond orally.
• If this first student correctly answers the question, all students attending will receive 5 points for the quiz that day.
• If this first student fails to answer the question correctly, a second student, chosen at random, will be asked to answer the same question or a different question orally.
• If this second student correctly answers the question, all students attending will receive 5 points for the quiz that day—except for the first, unsuccessful student, who will receive no points from her/his score for the day.
• If neither student called upon answers the question correctly, the entire class will be given a written quiz and will be awarded points based on the correctness and completeness of their written answers.  The second student who responded unsuccessfully orally will have a chance to earn some points, but the first student who answered incorrectly will receive no points for the day.
• Throughout the semester, until all students in the class have had a chance to answer a question, the first respondent will be someone who has not been called upon first for a question.  If that person fails to answer the first question, the second respondent may or may not have been chosen on an earlier occasion.
• Two “wild” cards will be added to the stack of names that, when drawn by the instructor, will require a written quiz immediately.
• Two additional “wild” cards will be added to the stack of names that will allow the student to choose the topic she or he wants to discuss.
• Two “wild” cards will be added to the stack that requires a response of key dates that the students of the class should learn by class time on January 25.

and…

• If you use a computer to take notes, you must email the instructor your notes immediately after class.

As my friend Adam put it, “did you just buy a board game?”
No. Thank. You.

I’m so happy I was able to find a class (that I’m honestly more excited about the subject anyway) with a teacher that has good ratings in the same time slot that isn’t full.

Today is a good day.
Conservatory tonight! Come eat Panera with Taylor and I before the show!

I don’t know what I want to do with my life. Plain and simple. Cut and dry. No and, if, or buts about it. What can you not accept about that?

I’m sick and tired of feeling looked down upon just because I haven’t chosen a major. Yes, I’m aware that I can change my major in the future. No, I’m not going to choose one because of that. I’m not going to jump on the bandwagon for one specific major that I feel somewhat interested in, only to work towards that for a year or two and then realize it doesn’t fit me at all. It’s against who I am to start something and give it up like that. Before I’m willing to settle down in a major, I’m going to have to be pretty damned sure that’s what I want to finish with.

Don’t think for a second I haven’t thought about it: I have at least once a day for the last few years of my life. It bothers me quite a bit that I’m still so unsure, and the last thing I need is you scolding me because my major is still “undecided”. Sure, I’ve got my interests. I’ve got plenty of them. Do I want to confine myself to any specific one of them for the rest of my life? Not that I’ve figured out yet. Every major that comes to my mind gets shut down, i.e. I would be a nurse because I’ve found I like to and am good at caring for people, but I hate needles and the people I would be around would probably drive me insane. I’d major in philosophy, but what the fuck do you do with that? Then there’s somewhere in the health field, but once again most of the people I would be around would drive me crazy and what the fuck do you do with that? I thought I’d want to major in some form of public relations for a while, but then realized the jobs I’d end up with would probably suck me in to the point I’d throw aside things that are much more important to me in life.

On top of all of this, no, ma’am, I do not have any desire to run away and go to school halfway across the country. Would I like to get out of Oklahoma? You bet. Would I like to get away from my parents? You bet (no offense, mom and dad). But, for the first time in my entire life, I have finally found my base. After being a complete outcast for so many years, I have finally been able to surround myself with a small group of people that support me day and night in everything I do. Why the hell would I want to leave that? It took me so long to get to where I am with people, and now just abandon them to go live somewhere where I am unfamiliar with the people and things around me? Not just that, but undoubtedly throw myself thousands and thousands of dollars in debt to do so?

Lastly, WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT TO LIVE IN A DORM, LADY? REALLY, PLEASE TELL ME. I can’t see what the hell I would gain from living with some dumb shit I don’t know that, with my luck, will steal my clothes, stay up all night doing shots and puking on my bed, refuse to listen to anything but country music and refuse to eat anything but meat in a building surrounded by other dumb shits that do the same dumb shit that I have to share things like a shower with. I’d be paying a large sum of money for all of this and  I can’t even fucking bathe in my own space? I’m sorry, ma’am, I’m not anti-social, but I need my alone time (and my dog, who I’m pretty damn sure wouldn’t be allowed in the dorms). It’s not a matter of living at home with my parents (once again, no offense but I cannot wait to get out of here). It’s a matter of NOT WANTING TO LIVE IN A DORM. Therefore, both OU and OSU are completely out of the question, lady. On top of the dorm requirement issue, why would I want to go somewhere where I’m going to be paying more to have nearly 10 times the amount of people in my classes and be farther away from the people I care about?
I’m perfectly content at UCO. It’s nothing fancy, no frills or glitter. It’s significantly cheaper than other local options, on top of having a much smaller teacher to student ratio. What can you not just accept about that?

I’m done ranting, kudos to whoever made it this far. Your opinions on college / everything else I vented about here?

But she can’t relax with his hands on the small of her back.
And as the flash bulbs burst, she holds a smile the way someone would hold a crying child.

I am so steady and so unstable.
I’m drowning in school work and everything else around me,
I feel like I’m the worn-out eraser that had worn down to the metal rim long ago, yet you continue to struggle to get the smallest touch of erasing power out of what’s left. This technique works well (with a significant amount of patience) for a while, until there is absolutely no eraser left and all you get is a big tear through your paper from the metal rim.
I’m still in the freshly worn-out eraser phase. I’m still usable, I still get the task done, but not without unnecessary struggle. You could just get a new number two pencil with a new eraser. I can’t just get a new head, though. I feel so sure the big tear phase is just over the hill.

Yet, I’m throwing myself out, flying past maximum capability markers and sailing on, just to prove you all wrong. You can wear me down, but you will not win. I’ll be the last one standing. I’ll always be the last one standing. If I’m not, I’ll die trying, challenged up against your half-assed attempts.

Things I have to get done by Thursday:

• website review paper for health
• finish math homework
• read Rebecca
• start on academic plan for success central
• call and make appointment for academic plan
• advisory meeting
• study for music test
• sleep

Things I would like to do by Thursday:

• laundry + clean
• wash my car
• win the lottery
• choose + make a schedule of concerts I have to attend for music
• catch up on downloading music
• spend time with Parker
• feel less sick
• give myself a manicure + pedicure

Things I am looking forward to that will keep me going this week:

• Europe in 65 days
• weekend with a house to myself
• future
• sleepover on Friday/Saturday/Sunday?
• wedding!
• Sing It or Scream It Fest on Sunday
• the week being over with
• no success central on Thursday
• being finished with school